Hey, Lookit Me Everybodies!!!

Matt was gone for the day, and to my dismay I realized early on that I had left my purse in the car he took. My purse is vital to my sanity when it comes to a long day without school or husband. So we scrounged up enough of the kids allowance money (which I promised to repay them) and went to buy some poster board (which we always seem to be buying and always seem to be out of). We even had enough money left over for doughnuts and a Rockstar (I didn't have any doughnuts ofcourse).

I measured the kiddo's faces, cut out a hole in the poster, and then let them work their creativity with markers and crayons. I had to help Roxanne fill in some of the blue background, because she realized how daunting it would be about half way through and became frustrated. They both spent a good number of hours working on them, which gave me a good number of hours to play Scrabble on Facebook.

Two Scoops and A Double Blossom

Much dissatisfaction with my last painting was the motivating factor that pushed me to finish this one rather quickly. Sometimes I feel that I am only as good as my last painting, and so I didn't want to linger after finishing "midget".

I don't know where to start about this painting. This painting is no doubt inspired by the real-life conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel, who are conjoined in the same way as the girls in my painting. About three years ago, I read a book called "One of Us" by Alice Domurat Dreger and ever since then I haven't been able to shake the wonder of physical abnomality from my soul, and I knew I had to somehow memorialize my love of "extraordinaries". Furthermore, I have been scouring the library for books about genetic mutations, and abnormal figures, and have found that they are typically only documented and depicted for scientific purposes, which can be somewhat degrading. While I do love science, what interests me even more is the deeply personal and individualized characteristics of highly unique people that make them so interesting. I want to be able to depict the beauty that comes from deformity (although not denying it also may come with much pain). I realize this is a difficult task, as it often borders on "exploitation", but I'm in the beginning stages and I have a lot to learn. For now, I'm simply going to use this painting for the upcoming art show on the 6th, but ultimately I see it as the beginning of a project much larger.

Blogpourri

The word "blogpourri" is a fusion of the words "blog" and "potpourri", meaning an assortment of miscallenous blogs. That is what this post is. The medly is arranged in no particular order, despite the fact that they are numbered.

1. Dipping Sauce Recipe. Perhaps my Concoctions Recipe Book will include a chapter on dipping sauces, because I sure do like concocting dipping sauces. My sugar fast is going to take quite a toll on my concocting skills... *sigh*

Anyways- this is a good dipper sauce for chicken nuggets:

1 part sour cream

1 part mayonaisse

1/2 part bbq sauce

1/4 part worsestercire sauce

1/4 part powdered parmesan cheese

2. Doggy Lickin Skin Therapy. Ever since I have had a little doggy licking my face on a regular basis, I have had far fewer zits and white heads. Is it possible that doggy saliva or doggy tongues have achne healing powers?? Should I be embaressed to tell you this???

3. A Call from Christopher Dodge World. Me and my neighbor Colleen (who's last name is Christiansen) have a tradition of answering the phone as obnoxiously as possible when the other one calls. The other day the phone rang, and I glanced at the caller ID, and saw just the first part of the caller's identity which was "Christ...." and I assumed it was Colleen so I answered in a freakin LOUD and screaching voice "HALLOW?!?! I was JUST about to CAWL YOU!!!!"... but it was not Colleen. It was Jason from Christopher Dodge calling to see how we were enjoying our new van (which was bought to replace the totalled one). Jason responded to my boisterous greeting "well... I hope that means you are enjoying your new van!"

4. Speaking of Colleen... Colleen gave me a late Christmas gift that, little does she know, I have held dear to my heart in the past couple of weeks. It was a chocolate pair of praying hands. It is extremely symbolic to me at this time, because it reminds me that in order to resist the temptations of sugar, I must rely on the power of the Lord. Along with that gift she also included a book about places that dead bodies are buried, and a fortune telling book. The later two gifts have not been quite as important as the first, except only to remind me how incredibly random my dear neighbor is.

5. Falling Burger Sales. I had a dream the other night that due to the slower economy, fast food restaurants started doing door to door sales. The sales people would walk the neighborhood wearing a backpack full of burgers. When they would approach the house, they would tap on the front window and show you their burgers through the window pane. If you were interested, you would answer the door and buy a burger from them. If you were not interested, you would signal to them to go away, at which time they would smear the greasy burger on the window and then take a white board marker and write on your window "Have a yucky day" (they were actually even trained to write this backwards so that you could read it from the opposite side of the window pane). One day when this happened to us, I had my own white board marker and vengfully replied on the window "You too!" That was a strange dream.

6. A Poem About Roxanne and Me.

I once knew a girl that was a butterfly
With wings that open and close when she shut her eye.

As the song on her lips begin to stutter I
Try to catch them in my net but they flutter by

When her tippy toes landed on the pistol of a flower
I pounced and sank my claws and tried to devour.

But her tempting sweetness quickly turned sour
As I discovered that, like a bee, she has stinging power.

Then the spotlight fell on Midgit and his lovely owner... I might come back and rewrite about my latest painting later, because right now, I only feel like complaining about it. As you can probably tell, the painting is inspired by Miss Firefly. I'll expand more later. Until then, here are some more impressive paintings of little people. The first is also of Miss Firefly as well, by Clyde, who's talent I envy- especially the way he so accurately captured her essence in a fraction of the brush strokes that I used. The rest of the paintings are by Valasquez, the only other artist I've known to paint little poeple (which is so surprising to me). In his time, royal families would keep little people as pets to entertain the children. If only they'd had Miss Firefly back then... I'm sure the kids would have loved her firebreathing, glass walking and nailbed sleeping skills. But I'm gad she's around now.

This.... is what I look like when I wake up in the morning, don't get dressed (unless the apron counts), don't take a shower, don't fix my hair, don't put my contacts in, and then paint all day without much success (which explains the facial expression). The paintings behind me are staged, but the bedraggled me is not staged... The first time I glaced at myself in the mirror on my way out of the bathroom, I thought I looked embarresingly hideous. Then I paused and began to think that I kindof looked awesome in some kind of way (maybe the insane artist kind of way?) and that's when I decided to take my picture so that I could document the moment. I might change my mind about this tomorrow.

Collisions

Our drive back to Denver after our Christmas vacation with family included an unexpected car crash. Luckily, I wasn’t driving the car that got crashed into, Matt was and Rocket was in it too. I was driving the silver car directly in front of Matt and I saw it happen in my rear view mirror. Of course, we immediately pulled over and hopped out of our cars to see if everyone was OK. First I ran back to the van to see Matt, who was OK, then I got the thumbs up through the window from Rocket, then ran back further and saw the back of the van- not OK, then ran back further to the unknown driver, who initially looked unscathed besides the tears rolling down her face. She explained that she was pregnant and that her belly jammed into the steering wheel and she was now experiencing periodic cramping in her uterus. Immediately, I called for emergency crews from my cell phone which surprisingly, was charged. Then I jumped into the car with her, where she grabbed my hand and placed it on her belly, and I began to pray for the little baby that was inside. Soon she was whisked away in an ambulance and I never saw her again.
I’m not saying I am happy this happened. In fact, I am dreading having to replace the van which was totaled. And I can’t help but wonder what happened to the lady and her baby. But it has reminded me that in a flash of a second, we can be used by God in the most unexpected ways and that is so exciting. One second I am driving along, singing along the radio, and just seconds later and I pleading with God for the life of an unborn person I never even knew existed. Sometimes I struggle with what God’s will is for my life and what paths I should or shouldn’t take, and other times (like in this instance) I don’t even think about it- I’m just thrown in and automatically know exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
It was one more reminder of how God works in chain reactions. When he brings us into contact with another person, we have the chance to affect that person, and you may never know where the chain will end after that. Sometimes we are keenly aware of being a part of that process, even straining to try to be a part of it. And other times we might not even know that we were a part of it, but nevertheless be the beginning (or middle) of a domino effect that will continue for who knows how long.
I may be a small link, but I love being a part of something larger, and I feel so priviledged that Someone decided to include me. It excites me to know that at any flash of a second, I could be brought into contact with something new, something significant, something original, something other than just me. I can’t wait.

One Last Rerun: Natural Pick-me-ups (From sometime in 2006)

As your personal amateur mental health expert, I thought it would be nice to post some of my favorite natural pick-me-ups. I have been noticing a lot of depressing blogs around here lately, and I thought maybe you guys could glean some ideas on what to do when you have the blues. However, while I may be carrying Tom’s baby (due any day now), through the surrogate soul of Katie Holmes, I am no scientologist, and sometimes nothing can replace good ole modern medicine. What I am trying to say is, if you’re like really really suicidal or going seriously crazy, don’t rely on these remedies. March straight down to your professional mental health expert (or a doctor or whatever) and have them prescribe you an antidepressant that won’t take 2-4 weeks to kick in (cause that can be disastrous). On the other hand, if you have normal everyday hopelessness, what you need is some kind of activity that will cause the release of your body’s own “happy hormones”- like norepinephrine or oxiticin and other ones I can’t remember from 10th grade biology. Anyways, without further ado, these are my favorite natural “release the happy hormone” activities:

1. Sun. Have you ever heard of S.A.D,? I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or something but S.A.D. makes you SAD. It’s when you haven’t been getting enough of what the sun wants to give you, you have S.A.D. So go lay outside or go to the tanning salon. It will make you happy.

2. Shop. Now this can have bad side effects too, so try shopping for something you already need, or shop with someone else’s money, if that is possibly.

3. Elmer’s Glue. Smear some Elmer’s (or a generic brand) glue all over the palm of your hand. Let it dry, then peal it off all in one piece. Then try doing the bottom of your foot. Then try the whole front of your body. If you get it all off in one piece, I bet you could sell it to an art museum or gallery.

4. Eat. This remedy can also have some bad side effects, if you use it too often. But, hey, it might be worth it, right? My favorite comfort foods are: cream of wheat, captain crunch, chickin in a biscuit, and sweetened condensed milk (straight out of the can).

5. Art. I used to believe in the power of art therapy, back when I was trying to get a degree in it. Now I believe in it about as much as I believe in Elmer’s glue therapy or newspaper ripping therapy, or emmersement therapy. But it works, nonetheless. So make a paperclip sculpture or a papier-mâché piñata or paint your face. Just remember that what is important is not the product, but the process.

6. Exercise. This one is pretty obvious, but what a lot of people forget is that the result is not what is important. You’re exercising not to get in shape, but to be happy. My favorite work out routines are yoga and Pilates. Not only are they really easy, but they also involve a lot of stretching, which can give you the same kind of high that muscle building does.

7. Cuddle. I like to cuddle with Roxanny. I love to rub my nose all over the inside of her neck until she screams “MOMMY NOOOOO!!!!!!!”. I also cuddle with Rocket and Matt most of all. If you don’t have anyone to cuddle with, try cuddling with your myspace friend’s profiles.

OK, so, I was gonna list more, but this post is like really long and probably making you more depressed than you already were.

Another Fabulous Piece of Artwork by Roxanne:

I really like this drawing that Roxanne did yesterday at the gym while I was working out. She said it is picture of Rocket in a spaceship firing up into a very dangerous place in outerspace.

Rerun #3: A Poem Entitled

"Unpregnancy"

(Originally aired May 24th, 2006. Keep in mind, that at this time in my life I had just recovered from two traumatic accidental pregnancies.)


Please tell me congratulations, but I am not with child.
In the drawers of my uterus, unpregnancy has been filed.

The only thing below my ribs, is my belly button, intestines and bladder.
Tell me that you’re so happy for me, but don’t expect me to get any fatter!

Place your hand right here on my tummy to see what you feel.
If you felt something, it was probably just the digesting of a meal.

It was not a new creature kicking or turning.
Inside my body, there are no extra arms or legs or brain that is learning.

So now your job is to throw me a great big shower.
Where we will eat and talk and play games for about an hour.

Everyone will measure my little waist in toilet paper squares- how funny!
And the winner will take home a prize not worth much money.

And all this hoopla will be just because I am not having a baby.
You can all envy me, thinking that you could be like me someday, maybe.

My due date is today and I’m ready to go!
Unpregnancy gives me that special glow.

So please say a prayer that my unpregnancy goes well.
Then go spread the news; there’s so many people to tell!!

Rocket's Resolutions

Yesterday, I was cleaning out Rocket's backpack and found a school paper entitled "New Years Resolutions". These were the resolutions Rocket had listed:

1. Don't talk while the teacher is talking at school.

2. Be a better friend to the kids at school.

3. Stop stealing my sister's money.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about that or not.

Rerun #2: Parenting Woes

(Originally Aired April 26th, 2006.... this one REALLY shows me how far I've come)

I think it is time that I open up a little bit.. you know, be a little vulnerable and real. Cause even though I might seem like a bitter sarcastic weirdo on the outside, on the inside I am really just a shivering, scared little kitten, longing to be held. It’s because of this inner kitty, that I decided I would try going to therapy. You know, to try to talk about my griefs and beefs and what not. I first tried going through my insurance to find a good counselor, but the only counselors they would provide were Mormon. And I thought, I can speak to Satan himself for free, and he would probably give me similar advice, so I forfeited that opportunity. When I did find a great knowledgeable counselor, I realized I couldn’t afford topay him. Ither it was just freat fortune (unlikely) or the Master’s mighty hand, but it just so happened that he was in need of a mural painter, just as I was in need of a counselor. So in the most worthwhile exchange I have ever participated in, for roughly every 4 or 5 hours of painting I did for him, he provided me with one hour of counseling. This, I mist say, was the best deal I have ever struck, because it changed my life for the better in so many ways. I now have the tools to deal with the woes of life.
Today I am talking about parenting woes because those kind of woes are just about the only kind of woes I have. If it were not for my kids, I would be virtually invincible. If I am the only being that I am responsible for, than I am like a rock- nothing can hurt me. On the other hand, if my kids are in the picture, it a scary scary world for me. I will now present a list of the most ailing parenting woes and how therapy has helped my to deal with them.
1. People who wipe my daughter’s nose.
My daughter does have a snotty nose, I admit. It is runny just about all of the time, and if I wipe it each and every time it drips, I would wipe her poor little face raw. So I just don’t let it bother me. Other people though, do seem to be bothered by it, and it seems like when I am in a public place there seems to always be some woman (usually around 40-55 years old) who feels obligated to find a tissue and wipe my daughters nose for her. Before therapy I would graciously let them do their self-given duty and then graciously say “oh thank you!” Then I would curtail my errand and bawl my eyes out on the way home. Now, however, I take a different approach. As soon as I see them start rummaging through their big ‘ol purse looking for a tissue, or napkin or whatever, I say “OH heeeeeey-all NO!” (and then I shield my daughter as if they were trying to physically harm her) “ I will LICK the snot off my little girls face before I let you touch it with that tissue of yours! On the other hand, since you are just in such a helpful mood, she does have a crappy diaper. Would you like to take car of THAT for me?! I didn’t think so!” The woman will usually back off at this point, and I can finish my errand victoriously.
2. People who inform me that my child is not buckled into the basket (as if it is a car).
This normally occurs while I am standing in line waiting to pay for my groceries. I will feel a tap on my shoulder and when I turn around, there is usually a woman, again about the same age as the last one, who says “Dear, did you know that your child is not buckled into the basket?” She already knows that I know that. She just wants to let me know that she doesn’t think it is right. Really, what she is trying to say it “Excuse me, maam, I see that you got pregnant too young, dropped out of college and haven’t made much of your life. Why don’t you top it all off by letting your child fall out of that basket and crack his head open?” Before therapy I would have pretended I didn’t see through her, acted surprised, while buckling my child in and thanking the woman for informing me. Now I respond by saying “Maam, if this basket were to catch on fire, and my child were buckled into it, they would be trapped inside of it, with no way to escape. In that case, he would burn to death!!! And for your information, yes, I am married!!” At this point the lady will usually switch to a different check out lane, which is perfectly fine with me, especially if she was in front of me.
3. Night Terrors
For those of you who are unfamiliar with night terrors, the symptoms are very similar to demon possession and it normally occurs around 1am. As you can imagine, an emotionally unstable person could have a difficult time coping with a child having a night terror. In fact, if it foes on for long enough at one time, the symptoms (which include running, screaming, convulsing, kicking, and throwing ones self onto the floor) can be contagious. What is most interesting about the whole incident is that the child is unconscious the entire time and so has no clue what incredible torture they are putting you through. Therapy has taught me to build a boundary so that I am able to define the fact that the CHILD is acting insane, NOT me.
4. Urine.
This is one substance that I have become incredibly familiar with. My son believes that if a toilet is not in site, it is perfectly acceptable to find any vessel shaped object to urinate in. This includes a lego, helmet, treasure chest, or a drinking glass. One thing I learned in therapy is that urine is surprisingly, sterile but also sticky once evaporated, so don’t be afraid to clean it before it dries, and starts to attract unsterile subtances.

I realize that only 4 of my 11 friends on myspace have kids. One of them has the same ones as me, and the other two have the same offspring as eachother as well. I don’t know why this is, but I will assume it is because the rest of you are just strangely infertile. Anyhow, hopefully there will be other wandering woeful parents who may come upon my blog and find hope an useful information that will save them from searching for a therapist of their own.

A Week of Reruns.

For me, the onset of a new year always comes with thoughts of archiving and memorializing the past year. Normally I just print out my blogs using the economy ink mode on my printer, but this year I am considering having my blogs printed with a blog book printing service (blurb.com) as was recommended to me by Cassie. Does that sound familiar? That's because Cassie is a recommendation queen. Got a question? You should go ask her.

Anyways, as I am working on designing blog books for the past three years, I have come across some pretty interesting stuff. Reading through my 2006 blogs really shows me how much I've changed, grown, and, in some ways, regressed in a fairly short amount of time. Anyways, this week, as I am archiving over at blurb.com, I wouldn't want to leave my imaginary blog readers unentertained, so I will be posting some really old blog reruns for you. Here we go...

Naomi's Method For Falling Asleep (originally aired March 28,2006)

As you might imagine, living vicariously through more privileged people can be exhausting. After a very full day of strolling laguna beach, reading just a fraction of my myspace comments, and winning the realworld/roadrules challenge (all while carrying Tom Cruise’s baby), I need to get a good night’s sleep. I’m sure you need a good night’s sleep too, despite the fact that your life probably doesn’t even compare to the complexity of mine. Anyhow… I have formulated this method to help me get the paparazzi and tabloids off of my minds and fall asleep peacefully. Here is a method I have formulated to fall asleep- feel free to give it a try for yourself.

After you have crawled into bed, remove one sock. This will free up one foot so that you can feel light and floaty. You must leave the other sock on however, because that will keep you anchored to the bed. Lying on your back, fold your hands across your chest, as if you are a corpse laying in a coffin. Let your cheek rest to one side or the other, because having your head looking straight upwards is too instable. Then imagine the bed beginning to tip forwards and backwards, like a teeter totter, very slowly. Then imagine that the teeter totter is on an axis that rotates- but in very slow motion, and in sync with your breathe. Now imagine your thoughts to be elusive objects floating through the air. As your encounter each thought, accept it, but do not process it or digest it, and then let it go. Do not hold on to any one thought for more than 2 seconds, and never reaccept a thought that you have already let go of. At this point, the thoughts should start becoming a bit confusing and you’ll wonder why you are even having them, but then let that wonder go and don’t retrieve it again. In no time, you will be sleeping.

Or, you could always just get out of bed and read my incredibly boring blog. You won’t be able to stay awake.

I Am A Sugar Addict (Dot) Com

Last new years, I made a bunch of lousy resolutions that would have been hard to NOT keep. Like "only take a shower when I really want to" and "don't care what anyone thinks of me, unless I am trying to show off" and "watch more TRL"... well that one doesn't count because they cancelled TRL, so it wasn't my fault that I failed.

This year is going to be different. I am apprehensively taking on a resolution that, if I could conquer, would probably change my life drastically. I have decided to try to give up sugar. I know it sounds dumb, but seriously, it's like cocain to me. I don't even know if I can do it without professional help. I am serious. When I watch "Intervention" on the A&E channel, I actually really feel like I can relate to those drug addicts and alchoholics. Sugar rules my life sometimes. The thought of it makes me want to get out of bed. Sometimes I hide in the pantry and dig brown sugar out the canister with a spoon, and then when someone comes in the kitchen I go silent so they won't know I am in there, and then when they leave I continue eating the sugar. Sugar cravings have caused me to neglect my dignity and do stupid stuff that I am embarressed to even admit. Just looking at that peach rings picture is making me sweat. I also love Swedish Fish... and Cherry Bombs.

The reason I am shamefully posting about this on my blog is because I am going to start a blog about my journey- about my successes and failures as they come. I am commiting to blog daily about my commitment (in a separate blog than this one). I am not expecting it to be entertaining for anyone, or for anyone to actually be interested in this. I am just hoping that the accountability, or the delusion of accountability, will motivate me to succeed. Also, if you happen to a sugar addict as well, feel free to join me an we could try to encourage each other. Feel free to "BOO" me in the comments box when I fail, and especially when I don't post (which probably means I failed and don't want to have to post about it).

So here is the link:

http://iamasugaraddict.blogspot.com/

I have also made a few other resolutions, but none quite as daunting as the sugar one. I am commiting to taking everything out of the car each time I come home. I am also commiting to clean my room and bathroom every morning. Also, I have decided to never miss any episodes of The Real World... of course if they cancel it, you can't blame me for that (but I would be quite devestated).

Friday and Teddy Sitting in a Tree...

Friday's favorite part about spending the week of Christmas in the Springs was getting to meet his new best friend- Teddy. For the first few seconds of first seeing Teddy, Friday was very frightened, but warmed up to him quickly, and they were soon inseparable.

Relaxing on the sofa together... Don't tell my dad that I let Teddy get on the sofa when he was gone (don't worry he doesn't ever read my blog).

Although the doggies look like they are making scary faces in the above picture, they are actually just smiling really big.

Saying goodbye was hard for the both of them, and Friday has been a little depressed since coming back home.



What this is, is a picture that Roxanne drew of Friday missing Teddy....

on her CLOSET DOOR...

with a PERMANENT marker...

which she knows better than....

and will pay for it.

Lil' Miss. Firefly

This dr. sketchy's post is far overdue- it occured on December 21st, however, I left the venue late at night and then drove to Colorado Springs early the next morning for Christmas vacation, and have not been reunited with my scanner until now. I would have to say that this Dr. Sketchy's was by far, the most exciting and interesting one for me, thanks to Crystal, AKA, "Lil' Miss Firefly". She is a 25 year old 27 inch tall woman, who had more character packed into her than I thought possible. I had been long awaiting this particular Dr. Sketchy's ever since I discovered Miss. Firefly, a sideshow performer, and began coercing those with powers to get her at Dr. Sketchys. I even provided the "stage" to help make up for her shortness so people in the back could see. It is really a ramp that I took from the skate park.

I was not overly pleased with my drawings, and blame it on the fact that she has bodily porportions that I am not used to drawing. However, she has inspired me to begin a nice painting from some of my photos that I will use in the valentine's day show in February- stayed tune for that, it will be much better.

Glass walking is one of Miss. Firefly's many specialties.

And so is the splits. Adrienne, who has posed before as a member of the Junkettes, is good friends with Crystal, and did some posing as well this time. The juxtoposition of the two contrasting heights was really fun.




And at the end, me, her, and my drawing.

Another thing that was really fun about this Dr. Sketchy's was that Vivienne Vavoom didn't give out the gifts as she usually does, but instead every sketcher brought a white elephant gift to contribute to the prize pile. Buddha actually showed up, and I ended up taking his white elephant gift home, an original peice of artwork that he airbrushed. Here is it sitting on top of the phone, until I can find a good frame for it:

I know that it is 2009 already, but this will still be counted as a 2008 post for when I print them all, since I was just behind on posting. The same might be true for the next post. I don't know. I haven't started 2009 yet, like the rest of the world.