Paint and Pixels

Rerun #2: Parenting Woes

(Originally Aired April 26th, 2006.... this one REALLY shows me how far I've come)

I think it is time that I open up a little bit.. you know, be a little vulnerable and real. Cause even though I might seem like a bitter sarcastic weirdo on the outside, on the inside I am really just a shivering, scared little kitten, longing to be held. It’s because of this inner kitty, that I decided I would try going to therapy. You know, to try to talk about my griefs and beefs and what not. I first tried going through my insurance to find a good counselor, but the only counselors they would provide were Mormon. And I thought, I can speak to Satan himself for free, and he would probably give me similar advice, so I forfeited that opportunity. When I did find a great knowledgeable counselor, I realized I couldn’t afford topay him. Ither it was just freat fortune (unlikely) or the Master’s mighty hand, but it just so happened that he was in need of a mural painter, just as I was in need of a counselor. So in the most worthwhile exchange I have ever participated in, for roughly every 4 or 5 hours of painting I did for him, he provided me with one hour of counseling. This, I mist say, was the best deal I have ever struck, because it changed my life for the better in so many ways. I now have the tools to deal with the woes of life.
Today I am talking about parenting woes because those kind of woes are just about the only kind of woes I have. If it were not for my kids, I would be virtually invincible. If I am the only being that I am responsible for, than I am like a rock- nothing can hurt me. On the other hand, if my kids are in the picture, it a scary scary world for me. I will now present a list of the most ailing parenting woes and how therapy has helped my to deal with them.
1. People who wipe my daughter’s nose.
My daughter does have a snotty nose, I admit. It is runny just about all of the time, and if I wipe it each and every time it drips, I would wipe her poor little face raw. So I just don’t let it bother me. Other people though, do seem to be bothered by it, and it seems like when I am in a public place there seems to always be some woman (usually around 40-55 years old) who feels obligated to find a tissue and wipe my daughters nose for her. Before therapy I would graciously let them do their self-given duty and then graciously say “oh thank you!” Then I would curtail my errand and bawl my eyes out on the way home. Now, however, I take a different approach. As soon as I see them start rummaging through their big ‘ol purse looking for a tissue, or napkin or whatever, I say “OH heeeeeey-all NO!” (and then I shield my daughter as if they were trying to physically harm her) “ I will LICK the snot off my little girls face before I let you touch it with that tissue of yours! On the other hand, since you are just in such a helpful mood, she does have a crappy diaper. Would you like to take car of THAT for me?! I didn’t think so!” The woman will usually back off at this point, and I can finish my errand victoriously.
2. People who inform me that my child is not buckled into the basket (as if it is a car).
This normally occurs while I am standing in line waiting to pay for my groceries. I will feel a tap on my shoulder and when I turn around, there is usually a woman, again about the same age as the last one, who says “Dear, did you know that your child is not buckled into the basket?” She already knows that I know that. She just wants to let me know that she doesn’t think it is right. Really, what she is trying to say it “Excuse me, maam, I see that you got pregnant too young, dropped out of college and haven’t made much of your life. Why don’t you top it all off by letting your child fall out of that basket and crack his head open?” Before therapy I would have pretended I didn’t see through her, acted surprised, while buckling my child in and thanking the woman for informing me. Now I respond by saying “Maam, if this basket were to catch on fire, and my child were buckled into it, they would be trapped inside of it, with no way to escape. In that case, he would burn to death!!! And for your information, yes, I am married!!” At this point the lady will usually switch to a different check out lane, which is perfectly fine with me, especially if she was in front of me.
3. Night Terrors
For those of you who are unfamiliar with night terrors, the symptoms are very similar to demon possession and it normally occurs around 1am. As you can imagine, an emotionally unstable person could have a difficult time coping with a child having a night terror. In fact, if it foes on for long enough at one time, the symptoms (which include running, screaming, convulsing, kicking, and throwing ones self onto the floor) can be contagious. What is most interesting about the whole incident is that the child is unconscious the entire time and so has no clue what incredible torture they are putting you through. Therapy has taught me to build a boundary so that I am able to define the fact that the CHILD is acting insane, NOT me.
4. Urine.
This is one substance that I have become incredibly familiar with. My son believes that if a toilet is not in site, it is perfectly acceptable to find any vessel shaped object to urinate in. This includes a lego, helmet, treasure chest, or a drinking glass. One thing I learned in therapy is that urine is surprisingly, sterile but also sticky once evaporated, so don’t be afraid to clean it before it dries, and starts to attract unsterile subtances.

I realize that only 4 of my 11 friends on myspace have kids. One of them has the same ones as me, and the other two have the same offspring as eachother as well. I don’t know why this is, but I will assume it is because the rest of you are just strangely infertile. Anyhow, hopefully there will be other wandering woeful parents who may come upon my blog and find hope an useful information that will save them from searching for a therapist of their own.