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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

About a Roxy Blossom

The last 12 months have been marked by much change in Roxanne. The progress she has made is truly evident (to me) in her art. 12 months ago, her sketches were barely recognizable, which, at the time, I was genuinely impressed by anyways. From there, they evolved, first revealing usually sad characters- sometimes scary characters, but all drawings that brought inexpressible joy to me (sometimes I enjoy disturbing art) despite the fact that I wandered if it was a sign that something was wrong. Recently, they have evolved into more vibrant and smiley depictions- bringing even more joy to me. At this point, I truly believe the angst she was experiencing last school year, probably had a lot to do with that fact that she was the youngest in her class. I’m indescribably content with my decision to hold her back a year in school. Since starting this year in school, I would describe her as “blossoming”. While she was like a beautiful flower bud before, she has recently opened up her petals and revealed some of the more colorful and intricate parts of herself.

She has found herself a best friend, Kei, whom she loves, unashamed, with all her heart- as displayed in her non-stop chatter about her. I thank God continuously for Kei, a little girl at preschool that really does seem to reciprocate Roxanne’s feelings. I’ve come to realize that my fear wasn’t based on Roxanne’s own shortcomings, but rather my own past insecurities that I never wanted Roxanne to experience. Perhaps I have never overcome them. Perhaps I was afraid they would be genetic. Whatever it is, I pray that Kei is the sign that Roxanne has transcended what I was, although I do realize that relationships become more complicated as you get older. But I still pray she won’t outgrow the new confidence she has found in friendships.

Although her confident determination can irritate me beyond comprehension, I distantly admire the assurance that it brings her. I admire the way she holds her chin up high and her shoulders back, even when she is shy. I admire the way she free spiritedly and uninhibitedly dances her hands through the air as she talks. I admire the way she walks- with such perfect poise and posture. I really just enjoy watching her, and I think she knows that. I hope and pray that all of these things are a sign of a girl who is becoming a woman who will be completely collected and composed and extraordinary.

Ironically, I mostly admire her stubborn determination to resist my slightest influence. Although it is totally inconvenient and infuriating at times, it is also comforting to know that her success is not dependant on me. Her productions are solely her own- because she deeply resents any suggestions, modifications or anything to slightly do with me. I vainly try my hardest to give her my best advice, and she rejects it all. That’s why I am so astounded when she comes to me with an idea, or a masterpiece, or a dance that is actually beautiful- it is of her and definitely not me. I admit, sometimes it is ridiculous, but still, it was completely fabricated by her own 5 year old little soul! It encourages me to look within myself to find that same spirit to create my art with- a spirit that is uninhibited and ludicrous and hilarious and sparkly- that’s the spirit of Roxanne.


Nichole said...

Wow, I am sincerely happy for you!

Emily Shoup said...

That was beautiful! What a great mommy moment :)

Connie said...

I agree. Roxy is an extraordinary young woman. However, she reminds me a lot of my daughter whom I think is an extraordinary young woman as well as an incredible artist. I think Roxy and my little girl would have been great friends.

Naomi said...

Thanks, Mom.

Stacy said...

what a great Ode to Roxie. Loved it!! Encouraging to me that you held her back...we are going to have the girls do kindergarten again...and it's always nice to hear success stories!