How Many Honey's...

Do you see in this picture?

The answer is FIVE!! Two are in each of my paintings in the upper left, one on the T-shirt I haggled her into giving me, one in the watercolor I gave her for being so pretty, and one real one. Boy, I just can't get enough of that pretty pretty gal!

This was from the Blurlesque/Tiki art show and performance at the Oriental Theatre on Saturday. Luke and I had a good time... well... except for when we had to sit through the hour long slide show about the entire history of tiki culture. It was really boring- except for when we learned that one of the founders of tiki culture was named "Harry Jew"... and he appeared to be Asian.

When I started to take the above picture, Luke was smiling. Then I said "don't smile", but he thought I said "more smile". Misunderstandings like that are funny.

And of course, like you would expect from any great tiki/burlesque party (and believe me, I know!), there was some really good hip shakin goin on! There was also some crazy trapeze action as well, which I'm pretty sure was a little unsafe, but amuzing anyways.

Strummin Her Gee-tar...

I bought Roxy I little guitar off of ebay for her birthday and I painted her name on it. She's been playin it and singing along quite a bit lately. I think it was a hit.

That's my gee-tar playin darlin!

This is going to change my life....

Above what you see is my new, cutting edge HOMEPAGE. I am so excited about this, it is ridiculous. I created it at netvibes.com and it is completely customated for me and my own personal net surfing habits. Basically it is the entire world wide web of Naomi consolidated into one handy dandy page. No longer do I need to surf around on the web, waiting for each individual page to load, because now I have it all in ONE unified forefront.

Let me break it down for you....

Column 1-

The red header column, is all newsy publicy stuff. The first box (or "widget" as they call it) has the five day forecast for my little city, including, not only high and low temperatures, but also convenient littler "know-at-a-glance" picture icons telling me what weather I will experience, once I make it out the door, today. Then there is other widgets like youtube recomended viewings, as well as highlights from google news, and the best flickr photos of the day.

Let's recap.... in JUST the first column we have viewed weather.com, youtube.com, googlenews.com, and flickr.com... what would have been FOUR site clicks before is now just ONE. Now let's go on...

Column 2-

The second column, the blue header column, is the important stuff- the most personal business stuff. The first widget displays any email (hotmail) messages that are unread. I don't even need to tell you why that is important.

The second is my to-do list. On this a list I include any things I need to get done, and then I assign it a point value based on it's signifigance, time required, and effort required. The more urgent tasks are worth more points than the petty tasks. And the dasks I dread doing are worth more points than the enjoyable ones, even if they don't require as much time. For example "email PTO president back" is worth a grand 6 points while "finish Honey Touche painting" is only worth 3. At the end of the day I record my total point value accomplished. Since I have a relatively competative personality, I am motivated to beat each previous day's total score. Also, this site is accessible to Matt, as he sits at is desk at work (probably doing nothing) so that if he thinks of something that needs to get done he can immediately add it to my to-do list, instead of waiting until we are in bed at night to tell me, when I will probably forget anyways. However, if he keeps adding ridiculous things like "pay Matt back his money", the password may need to get changed.

Next is my calendar. It includes any events that I have scheduled for particular dates, as well as regular things, like Rocket's karate lessons and Roxy's gymnastics lessons. My most favorite event coming up is my rendezvous with Cheryl on Monday!! That's something I WON'T want to forget!!

Next I have my face book page widget. In one little tiny little box, is so so so much information. It tells me if I have any new facebook messages. It also tells me the status of ALL my facebook friends. Like, seriously, I know when Kate's pants dont fit, or when Becca is going to swim, or when Tawni is eating dinner, or when Kristin is playing Bunco and so on and so on... besically I know what everyone is doing at any hour of the day- all in one little widget.

And lastly (or lastly in just this column) I have my myspace widget. It tells me if anyone leaves me a new myspace comment. Thats very important.

OK recap- We're up to NINE sites, all in ONE site. Amazing!

Column 3-

The last column, the green header column, is the blog column. This is usually how I waste the most of my time on the internet. I am a blog junky. I spy on all kinds of people through their blogs... I don't feel bad about it though. I figure they must want me spying on them- otherwise they wouldn't have a public blog, right? And, I'm sure they're spying on me too, anyways (ha! I caught you!!!). Before now, I would have had to click on dozens of different blog addresses, then wait for them to load, only to see if they had posted anything new (usually not). Now, I can see, in one quick glance, if any of my bloggers have posted any new blogs. If they haven't, I don't even bother clicking. If they have, than the new blog will be displayed boldly, and I can read the title to see if I am interested. The best part about the blog column is that while monitering all my favorite blogs, my to-do list is lingering close by so that I never forget about what needs to be done apart from the computer screen. Before now, I would get so swallowed up in checking blogs that I would neglect other important things in my life... like picking my kids up from school. Now I am kept on track.

TOTAL RECAP: What used to be 36 clicks (including all the blogs) is now only ONE click. If each of those sites took only a couple minutes to check each , than I am saving myself HOURS a day by being able to moniter them all at once! Imagine what I could accomplish with all that extra time!!!! I am confident that this new system is going to change my life due to my increase in efficiency and effectiveness.

By the way, I DID pay Matt back his money... and got 7 points for it! YES!!!!!

Wicked Wednesdays

I've noticed lately that it's become somewhat of an expectation of bloggers to use alliteration on Wednesdays. Cathy (my frugal friend) does this "Works for me Wednesday", and Holly has this "Wacked out Wednesday" and someone else probably has a "Wonderful Wednesday". I'm not one to be left out of trendy things like this, and that's why I am starting "Wicked Wednesdays". Not "wicked" like evil, like the wicked Witch of the West. And not wicked as in the past tense of wick. But wicked in a awesome way, like, "Dude, you nailed that wickedly insane skate trick on the halfpipe!!!!"

Ok, so every Tuesday I am spending the evening at this indoor skate park that our friend Aaron, single handedly constructed and organizes. There I will put my airbrush to some wicked work, by helping the skater kids there create their own wicked panel on one of the many ramps, until they are all painted. UMM.... yeah, I know it's already Friday, and it should be posted on Wednesday to go along with the whole "W" theme, but never late than better right? No? Huh? Why?

This first week, I did my own panel, just to show those crazy skater dudes some examples of things my airbrush is capable of, and to get help inspire some ideas of their own. Above you see my own squirt, Rocket, pretending to skate down it. The next week, Marvin gave the airbrush a shot, and created this panel that says "One Love", and skating is his "one love"- or so he says, and that's why he's doing a wicked "ollie" on the ramp. (see all the new terminology I am learning?!)

Stay tuned each Wednesday (or Thursday, or Friday...) to see what wicked grafitti artwork the next skateboarder dude comes up with next!!!

Dismissed

There is a peaceful serenity that preempts the madness, as I walk the suburban sidewalk that leads to the school grounds. Roxy skips ahead and sings. I stroll beneath blue skies and tweedling birds that flutter through the breeze. I approach the playgrounded blacktop that is polka dotted with stay-at-home-moms that stare blankly at the school with their hands on their hips, as if it is a stage on which a performance is occurring. But not a very amuzing performance. The stay at home moms- fat ones, skinny ones; chatty ones, loner ones; white ones, tan ones. And we all make small talk, as if we have things in common. We make the kind of talk that doesn’t require my brain. My unconscious brain talks while my conscious brain enjoys its’ last minutes of nappy nap. I don’t even know what I am saying to those stay-at-home-moms- all I know is that I nod and chuckle at particular moments just like I think I am supposed to do.
And then the bell happens… I had been bracing myself for it. The stampede begins. Immediately little children pour out of the building like sprinkles coming from a shaker. Millions of colorful little sprinkles jibber jabbering all sorts of squeaky non-sense. I am perplexed as to why they all seem to gravitate towards me. There are at least a handful of other moms- pudgy soft ones with wide open-mouth smiles and their arms spread open in loving acceptance. But no… there I am- glaring, ready to swat them away, (and I have metal spikes all over me too), but they all flock to ME.
“ummm… no, you are not my kid”
“Where is your own mom?”
“Do I even know your name?”
“ok lets leave now”
“wait, did I ever even find my own kid?!”
“and there’s my cat. Why is my cat here? Did you follow me too?”.
I try to shake the clinging little leeches off, but inevitably by the time I get home there is some sneaky little ones still attached- like those prickly stickers that attach onto your socks if you walk through a field. And they are all talking non-sense again.
“I want ice-cream!”
“Let’s color with markers! And smash crayons!”
“no lets paint! With lots and lots of paint!!”
“I want candy!”
-fart
"HIYA!!!!"
“I think I peed my pants. Isn't that funny?!”
And someone is crying.
And I’m not sure if I’ve accounted for all of my children- all two of them. But I’m home. I brainlessly instinctually start throwing out fruit roll-ups- anything to settle things down. And when the fruit roll-ups are gone I start handing out popsicles. Drippy sticky sugar-stick-sicles. By the time I have opened the last one, the first kid is finished with the first one and saying “blah blah blah MORE”. And then I notice that every single one of them is drinking a Pepsi- that they must have got out of my fridge, and caffeine is already oozing out their eye glands and ear canals. Why didn’t they need help opening those?! But they still want MORE!! I almost start pouring tequila into dixi cups and laying them on paper towels along with one quarter of a graham cracker next to each one, when I come to my senses. WHAT was I thinking?! DORA! Dora Dora DORA, the explorer!!! I run to the TV and turn it on, which perfectly hypnotizes each little kid.
Silence.
So I take a deep calming breath. Then starts the next emergency operation. I find a vessel- any vessel- a mug, a bowl, a teapot, a bathtub, a cruise liner. Then to the fridge. I grab the margarine, the chocolate chips, the brown sugar, the cheerios, the maple syrup, the jelly, the bleached granulated sugar, and the splenda… poury poury, melty melty, stiry stiry, happy happy… mmmm…. I deserve this.
Gosh, I am a jerk. I should be more grateful for God's most beautiful little creations.
It's just that it is incredibly unfortunate that I am not a kidnapper or child predator, because if I was, I would have the life I always dreamed of.

Highlands Ranch MegaMoms

Vs.

The Downtown Dams


On Friday I hosted what I orginally planned on being a "Highlands Ranch Mom's party", but it evolved otherwise from there. Here is an excerpt from the Evite invitation I sent out:


"Hello Ladies! Only the savviest ladies on the ranch have been invited to this exciting party! I have alot of activities in store for us... First we will intently listen to a couple of my best friends try to sell you some fancy kitchen tools, jewelry, food storage devices, sex toys and scrapbooking supplies. If each of you spends only $100, then I will recieve a FREE cookbook!!!! Then we will have a formal debate. The topic is: "gifted children, do you have them?" Then we will have a stilletto relay race, followed by a crocs relay race. Then we will measure everyone's waist line with toilet paper squares. The tiniest waist wins a gift package from Bath and Body Works."

After I wrote the invitation, I invited Sarah H, who lives near downtown Denver now and she invited her BFF, Charity, who lives with her. So the party became a competition of the Highlands Ranch MegaMoms vs. The DownTown Dams. Ofcourse, with the festivities being at my house, us megamom had the home suburb advantage.

Here is team Downtown with Charity on the left, Sarah on the right:

Here is "team Highland's Ranch", Colleen on the left, me in the center, and Kara on the right:
The above picture is clear proof that the downtown dams CANNOT take pictures, and thus lost points.

Above you see Sarah working on her craft for the night. When we began our craft suddenly team lines got confused and the teams were reorganized into two different teams- one being the non-religious, democratic, liberals. We will call them the Nonreligicraterals for short. The other team being the not so non-religious, not so democratic, not so liberals. We will call them the Notnonreligicraterals. I was on the later team, and I was on the team alone. So, as you can imagine, I felt a little bit ganged up on. As you will notice the notnonreligicraterals are not referred to as religious or republican or conservative. This is because if I was in a different group of friends, I would have been attacked for being too non-religious and too democratic and too liberal. It's just that I was conservative (and whatnot) RELATIVE to these individuals. And relative to another group of individuals, I am liberal. And no matter which group of people I am hanging with, they seem to be bothered by me being too far one way or the other. I'm not sure if this is a common problem for other people, but it seems to be for me.

Our craft for the night was bracelet decorating. Colleen, my dear neighbor from across the street, made a lovely bracelet that said "McCain is Perv". Originally she wanted it to say "I am another democrat who believes McCain is a pervert", but I think she got tired of cutting out letters, so she shortened it. Here it is (the words wrap around so I had to take two pictures to get the whole thing):

When she left my house (around 1 am), the polyurethane hadn't dried yet, so she had to leave it to finish drying. I decided to improve upon her original design so instead of saying "McCain is perv" it now says "McCain is...

...perfect"!!! Thus, the Notnonreligicraterals victoriously prevailed in the end!!! (note: I don't believe McCain is perfect.... that's just the only word I could transform "perv" into.)

I just dropped the bracelet off at Colleen's house, but she wasn't home. Her husband was there and I left it with him. At first he said, "wow, this bracelet is very flashy!" then he read it and I could see the confusion on his face. I said "umm... yeah, I don't know why she made her bracelet say that". And he said "me neither" and then shut the door.

Maybe next year I will invite the Colorado Spring Chicks.

Oh no, there was the doorbell... I think it is Colleen. I gotta go.

Concoction #67

Sizzling Cheesy Burgler Bun Waffles

When Matt said "What's for dinner tonight?" I said "I dont know... maybe I should make a concoction!!!!". I was actually not facing his direction when I said this, but I could feel his glares hitting my backside. I gathered some random ingredients: hamburger buns (left over from Roxy's party), cheese slices with stars cut out of the middle (the cheese stars are for my party tonight), tomatoes, and butter (most good concoctions involve butter). THEN I got out the waffle iron! A few moments later.... VWALA!!!! We have sizzling cheesey burgler bun waffles. They will be included in my concoctions cookbook under the chapter "Cheesey Things That Sizzle". In the above picture Matt is saying "yes kids, your food is going to be cold by the time you get it, because your mom has to take pictures of it first." BUT, take a look at this:

It's MY husband, willfully eating one of MY concoctions. This day will go down in the history books of our marriage!! Maybe I will put this picture on the cover of my cookbook. AND he said it was pretty good too.

Incase you can't figure it out, here are the directions:
Butter the top and bottom of a hamburger bun. Insert cheese (I used mozzerella and cheddar), tomatoe and whatnot. Then smash it into the waffle iron. Let it cook a while, and then enjoy!

She's 5

Warning: This blog contains a sickening amount of PINK in it. You might not be able to take it all at once without puking.

We celebrated Roxanne's 5th birthday yesterday with a "pinkalicious" birthday bash. Over the past 5 years, I've gotten to know Roxanne pretty well, and what I have realized is that she is pretty much the opposite of everything I wanted in a daughter. She is prissy; she is sassy; she is girly; she is opinionated; she is pinkalicous- but I love it all!

Before the party, Roxy and her cousin, who is also her BFF, Elise went to the "salon" to get their hair and nails done.

Roxanne was pretty much in heaven. She better not expect this treatment again for a long time.

Pretty GirlsRoxanne told me that she wanted everyone at her party to wear pink dresses. When I told her that the boys probably wouldn't come if that was the rule, she said that was ok. But then I told her I knew of a couple boys who were planning on bring presents. So we decided to say that everyone has to wear pink, but not neccessarily a dress. Even the boys.

Apparently Luke thought that wearing pink made him gay. I think Matt disagreed.

What is there to not enjoy about pinatas? It's the highlight of every party! Who wouldn't love to hang an adorable looking creature by it's neck and then violently whack it with a stick until it's guts spill out?.... surprise!.... its guts are CANDY! This festive tradition traumatized one child, who couldn't stop crying and had to go home... party pooper!

Throughout the year, everytime we go to the grocery store, Roxanne always wants to take a look at the cakes at the bakery. One time she saw a Hannah Montana cake displayed, and every since then, she has insisted that when her birthday comes around, she wants to have a Hannah Montana cake. I bravely attempted to create a fondant cake, alongside the guidance of my blogger friend and cake-maker extraordinaire, Holly. I think Roxanne liked it: This morning I gathered everything pink that was littering my house and disposed of it via Roxanne's room. No more pink- until next year.

I love to people watch at theme parks. Just by being at a theme park, you are a dork. But check out those nerds in the front row of the second car back on this rollercoaster.

Another Poem About Roxanne...


Seeing your little belly
makes me want to squeeze you.
And I say you’re a little smelly
because I want to tease you.
But just a little jelly
is all it takes to please you.

I hope you never grow up
so I would like to freeze you.
And I just might blow up
if I don’t get to seize you.
But I hope that you don’t throw up
when I hug and squeeze you.

Midnight Schizo

I’m going to tell you something about myself. I am kind of like a werewolf… but not really. Instead of morphing into a wolf at night, I morph into a schizophrenic… or at least that’s the mental disorder I think it is, but I’ve never really had this problem diagnosed, because psychologists (or psychiatrists, or insurance companies that will tell you which one they will cover) don’t work during the hours that my disorder exhibits itself. If I get to sleep before the transformation takes place, then I am safe. However, if my brain wheels and gears and turbines start rotating too rapidly before bedtime, then there is no slowing them down (whatever you do, don’t stick your finger into them while they are spinning or it will surely get chopped it off). If I maintain my ordinary before-bedtime rituals, then I can usually prevent this from happening. But if something throws my system off, then I am likely to stay late into the night, with the brain of an insane person.

Sometimes I get these huge “delusions of grandeur” that cause me to plot out huge schemes. One time I spent the night planning out a high school reunion. Once I spent the night determined that I would adopt conjoined twins (I didn’t even bother considering whether any were even UP for adoption). Usually I stay up mentally writing letters to people I haven’t talked to in years- like a lengthy apology letter to this housekeeper that lived with us when I was in kindergarten. I kicked her in the stomach one time, and for some reason the guilt associated with that experience surfaced during one of my late night insanities. It’s like if something gets into my head, I can’t go to sleep until I have tackled and wrestled it down, otherwise it will frolic and fester in my brain all night long. But usually by the morning, I am able to realize that my thinking was so irrational the night before, and I have to tone down the ideas I have come up with before they are actually doable.

So the night before last, I was on track for bedtime with my normal bedtime routine. I had drank two bottles of water with one packet of tea. I had gone to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, checked the doors, and then went to check my email before turning off the computer (oh my gosh, this sounds so OCD). I have to check my email before turning off the computer, because if I turn off the computer with an email marked “new” in my inbox, I will envision that email rotting in my computer all night. It screams too… while it rots. So anyways, I check my email- which I knew would have nothing new, but I just had to check to make sure. And I did, in fact, discover a new email. It was announcing a new art show coming up at the end of this month sponsored by Dr. Sketchys. That sent my brain wheels spinning violently out of control. I was expecting the next art show to be in October, and I have been steadily working on a piece for the show, but this new news would have to be dealt with- all night. I tossed and turned all through the night thinking about what I should do about it. I determined that I must at least paint 12 pieces of art- one for each session of Dr. Sketchy’s that I had been to. And I would have to raise money to be able to buy that many canvasses, and maybe someone would be interested in investing in my art, and that would help to front the cost of supplies, blah blah blah blah blah.

By morning time, I had come to my senses. One piece of art would be enough. I could already afford one canvas (especially with this week’s Micheals 40% off coupon). I decided to put my current painting on the back burner while I worked on painting an acrylic version of the Honey Touche watercolor I did a while back- cause that was my favorite one. As you can see, I was working on a sortof impressionist style. So while painting, I tried to channel the painting spirit of Clyde. I’m not sure if I made any contact with him, but I think he might have said to use bigger brush strokes. Then I asked my lowly acrylic paints to channel the spirits of his superior oil paints. I don’t think that they complied.

Alright, I’m sure you’ve notice how long and convoluted this blog has become. That is because I wrote it in my head last night while I was insane and not sleeping. I think it was because I had been painting before sleeping, and usually I don’t do that. Usually I paint while the sun is up so I have a lot of light. But I’ve realized that my midnight schizophrenic self uses much more interesting words that my normal self… which is a good thing. But she also rambles, which isn’t so good. Good thing I have nailed this subject down into some typed out words so I can sleep tonight. I’ve also now posted it on the internet just incase my computer crashes- otherwise this blog would be trapped in my computer, rotting and screaming forever. Thanks for reading. Goodnight.

Hannah Montana Hangover

After last night, I thought that I was waking up with a Hannah Montana hangover this morning. It was 7 am, my head was throbbing and I couldn't seem to get the words of Hannah's songs from playing over and over and over again in my head. I covered my head with one of my pillows. Then I realized that my head wasn't throbbing- it was just that the base from the stereo system downstairs was vibrating through my bed. And those songs weren't just playing in my head- they were actually playing. The kids had woken up and decided that the HM karaoke party wasn't over yet (and were under the influence of a little girl named Chloe). They had broken out the Miley Cyrus CD, put it to full volume, turned the mircophone up to the max (why do we even OWN that?!), and were belting it all over again. The blaring noise was seaping through the ceiling of the family room, up through the floor of my bedroom, through my pillow and into my poor tortured brain. Uhhhhhg... now I DO need a cocktail.

It was Hannah Montana karaoke night at our house tonight. You should in no way feel obligated to watch this video... nor do I condone any behavior that is exhibited in it.



Matt was hiding upstairs all night... I don't why?!

Free Lovin Hippies

The thing about tiedying is that it never turns out the way you envisioned it- never. Never ever ever. But that is the beauty of it. The final result is a suprise, and it's best if you don't have expectations about it, because you're pretty much guarunteed to be disapointed. Maybe that's why hippies like it so much. I wasn't trying to turn this into an analogy about life... but that would have been a good idea.

First me and a bunch of short crafty craft crafters took the plunge and tiedyed some white T-shirts that I got on sale at Michael's (I'm thrify and crafty... soon I'll be making the kids' shoes too). Then we utilized the great ideas in this book:

I got it from the library and it's already like a whole week overdue. It's got some really awesome ideas in it. I'm tempted to cut every shirt I own into pieces, because this book really does have 108 ways to make your t-shirt way cooler than in used to be, in a matter of minutes. So after some snipping and sewing (yep, I have a sewing machine too), this is what we came up with:

Above, we have Chloe modeling her tiedye creation.

Roxanne makes this outfit work by laying the shirt with a huge dose of attitude.

Rocket wanted to make the same thing out of his shirt too, but I didn't let him. I just don't think he can pull off the halter top look.

I participated in the tiedying fun too by dying my white skirt that I had accidentally stained with paint. Now the blemish is camoflauged.

A New Ruby

Roxanne and I have been spending a lot of time together lately, ever since Rocket started school. She really resents having to spend time with me and being separated from Rocket for so long. She says "when Rocket is at school, I get a headache". Lonliness will do that to you. But today, Roxanne knows she was lucky to be home while Rocket was at school, because me and her got to witness something fascinating that only happens once a year (and we all missed it last year). Ruby molted.

When we got home from dropping Rocket off at school, and we went to check on Ruby, we found her lying silently flat on her back, in a meditative state. Had I not done my tarantula research, I may have thought she was dead. But I knew that this meant she was about to shed her skin. Here she is on her back (a position I've never seen her in before). Notice that you can see her fangs:
Then, over the next hour, she slowly emerged from her old skin. This picture may be hard to understand, so I included some labels that might help. It all happened in slow motion. One at a time, she pulled each of her eight legs out of their old skin sockets, kind of like fingers coming out of a glove.

This is her new self. Her face has a shiny irridescent pink glow to it now. This coloring is why this species is reffered to as "Chilean Rose". It really is beautiful. Her "fur" is also much softer and longer than before.
This is her old skin. The penny is there to show size. Notice the eight concentric segments in the center from which she withdrew her legs. It's amazing.
And Roxy gave Ruby a soft kiss to congratulate her on this new stage of life! Note: I didn't tell her or force her to do this. She has just adopted my affectionate attitude towards Ruby. Remember: prejudice ideas are learned.... she hasn't learned them. But other people in this house have.

The Bulletin

The Bulletin This is my church bulletin from last week and from this week. Don't worry. I am still paying attention to the sermon. Ever since having kids, I have to occupy myself in order to stay tuned. I would never make it through college courses they way I used to. After the sermon starts, this is my church routine: roll up my sleeve, plop my arm into Matt's lap. He knows what that means. He tickles my arm for about 10 minutes. Then he stops and plops his arm into my lap. I tickle his arm for about 10 minutes. Then I plop my arm back into his lap. It doesn't work this time, but it's worth a try. Then I doodle.